Ladell Betts, undershirt fight for yardage against the Dallas defense

ARLINGTON, Texas — Suffering yet another setback in an already disappointing season, the Washington Redskins lost backup running back Ladell Betts to a torn ACL, MCL and undershirt. The injury occurred during the 1st quarter of Sunday’s game against the Dallas Cowboys when a Bradie James hit caused Betts to land awkwardly, tearing two ligaments and a Hanes cotton knit undershirt.

Betts was rushed to nearby Parkland Memorial Hospital where doctors performed medical tests on the knee while tailors pre-treated the undershirt to remove pesky grass stains. The team received some encouraging news after an MRI indicated that there was no damage to other ligaments, no torn cartilage and no ring-around-the-collar.

Betts’ knee was not operated on, as doctors typically wait for the MCL to heal before reconstructing the ACL. The shirt, however, underwent emergency surgery, receiving over 150 stitches. After being sewn up, it reportedly was “resting comfortably” in the gentle cycle. It now faces a grueling 6 month rehab stint, during which it must spend most of its time on a hanger, covered in plastic.

While team doctors say the prognosis for a stain-free and more vibrant-looking shirt is excellent, Sports Illustrated’s Peter King thinks the garment may have played its last game underneath a Redskins’ uniform. “Even if it is somehow ready for mini-camp by next May,” said King, “An aging shirt coming off a major injury like this is simply the wrong fit for a rebuilding team like Washington.”

Head coach Jim Zorn named third-string running back Rock Cartwright the starter in Betts’ absence. In the meantime, VP of Football Operations, Vinny Cerrato, has reportedly been scouring the waiver wire and local K-Marts for both backup running backs as well as deeply-discounted 3-packs of white undershirts.

“It just goes to show you how brutal this sport really is” said a visibly shaken Zorn, in his post-game press conference. “I haven’t seen an injury this gruesome since the career of Joe Theismann’s sock came to an abrupt end after a Lawrence Taylor sack sent piercing shards of [Theismann's] tibia straight through the over-matched fabric.”

Collectively, the player/shirt tandem finished the disappointing campaign with 210 yards rushing and 2 touchdowns.

A street full of people oblivious to the league's existence

After a recent scientific study revealed the NHL to be the #1 killer of television ratings, U.S. Surgeon General, Regina Benjamin has called on the league to begin a national campaign to raise awareness about its existence.

“For far too long, executives in the television industry have been suffering at the hands of this ratings ’silent killer,’” said Dr. Benjamin. “As with other scourges - such as hypertension and high cholesterol - the first step towards solving the problem is to educate the public. I therefore implore [NHL commissioner] Gary Bettman to do something about the situation before the United States congress is called on to do it for him.”

The commissioner faces a steep challenge after a poll indicated that the average American can name only 2 hockey players - Hall of Famer Wayne Gretzky, and matinee idol “Jason” from the Friday the 13th movies.

When asked to comment, Mr. Bettman said, “I want to set the record straight about something. Camp Crystal Lake is not and has never been the home of an NHL team.” After thinking about it for a moment, however, he added, “Though if the proper financing were to become available, we’re certainly not opposed to the idea of moving a team such as the Phoenix Coyotes, Columbus Blue Jackets, or Nashville Predators there.”

“Or the New York Islanders,” he added.

Piggybacking off the success of the “Breast Cancer Awareness” campaign in which players from Major League Baseball and the National Football League wore pink arm-bands to raise awareness about the disease, the commissioner said he plans to cast a much wider net with his so-called “Roy G. Biv” marketing strategy.

“Just like the mnemonic indicates,” he said, “anytime a baseball player, football player, basketball player or really any human being - player-of-sports or not - wears an article of clothing that falls within the red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo or violet spectrum, you should treat it as a reminder to call your local cable or satellite provider and ask what channel the Versus network is on in your area.”

“When you do find out, by the way, can you please let me know?” he added. “As commissioner, I feel obligated to watch at least some of the 1st period of tonight’s Nashville/Anaheim game”.

League superstar Sidney Crosby - who purportedly has earned fame and fortune from the sport - praised the commissioner for taking action. “I’m glad someone is finally doing something about it,” he said. “I have to be honest. When we’re not playing in a Canadian arena, it can get pretty lonely out there.”

The future non-owner of Louie's Bakery's little league team

Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh was dropped by a group seeking to buy a Little League baseball team in St. Louis, just over a week after his bid for the NFL’s St. Louis Rams fell through.

Morton H. Chumley, leader of the syndicate bidding on “The Louie’s Bakery Sacrifice Bundt Cake All-Stars”, said that the team never questioned Mr. Limbaugh’s commitment to the bakery’s high-calorie confections but felt compelled to oust him due to his increasingly controversial opinions regarding the club’s direction.

“His comments about the wanting the team to play ‘conservative baseball’ sounded innocent enough at first,” said Chumley. “But when he started rambling on about the role he thought little leaguers should play in disputing anthropogenic global warming, I have to admit I was a little caught off-guard.”

“But when he followed that up with a rant demanding team members sign a petition against same-sex marriage - especially when [outfielder] Tyler Bingham’s dad was in the room - that’s when I really started doubting this was going to work,” added Chumley.

Further hindering his chances, the team’s top player, Bobby Taylor, commented that Limbaugh “smells like an ashtray” and indicated that if forced to play for “fatso”, he would instead quit the team and go back to spending Saturday afternoons indoors with his Nintendo Wii.

Little league commissioner, James Shrewsbury, sounded relieved at the decision to oust Limbaugh. “As commissioner, it is my duty to protect the well-being of the children and surround them with positive influences,” said Shrewsbury. “Given Mr. Limbaugh’s previous addiction to prescription painkillers, I feared that we’d end up with a league full of kids hooked on double the physician-recommended dosage of Flintstones chewable vitamins.”

On his radio talk show, Mr. Limbaugh responded angrily to the criticisms. “This isn’t about Little League. This isn’t about bakeries. This isn’t even about me,” said Limbaugh. “What this is really about is the liberal left in this country showing support for the player I bashed – Donovan McNabb – for leading his team on a surprising run to the conference championship game last year.”

“And to get Barack Obama re-elected,” added Limbaugh.

Despite the setback, Mr. Limbaugh has still not given up on his dream of owning a sports team. He has already announced plans to place a bid on the blue team from “Electric Football” - the tabletop football game played on a vibrating, metal field. Mr. Limbaugh stated that, should the deal go through, he intends to set up an exhibition game next season with the team he previously bid on, the St. Louis Rams. Las Vegas odds-makers have installed the blue team as preliminary 7 1/2 point favorites.

The future location of a 'Slower Traffic Keep Right' sign

The Indianapolis State Highway Administration voted unanimously yesterday to ratify legislation approving the installation of red lights, stop signs and other safety measures along the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. The decision came less than a week after a group of over 400,000 horrified onlookers witnessed 8 high-speed, death-defying collisions along the 2.5 mile stretch of road in a span of roughly 3 hours.

The unusually swift response was, in part, attributed to the public outrage generated from the millions of viewers tuned in to ABC and ESPN who had, for reasons unclear, strategically situated over 100 high-definition cameras all throughout the treacherous thoroughfare.

“While I’m pleased with the outcome, some troubling details came to light during the investigation,” said National Transportation Safety Board Chairman Deborah Hersman. “We’ve learned that 1-day spikes in accident totals were a yearly happenstance. Unfortunately, well-intentioned police officers were reportedly so distracted by the multitude of advertisements imprinted on these drivers’ clothes that many not only forgot to fill out an accident report, but also left work early to go on an hours-long binge of ‘retail therapy’”.

“We have every reason to believe that, were it not for the economic recession’s effect on consumer spending habits, we’d be facing the same exact situation next year,” continued Hersman. “I mean, who the heck knows how many times officers have forgotten to report that someone like [motorist] Helio Castroneves lost control of his vehicle, causing it to crash violently into a brick wall, flip over 28 times and then disintegrate into a fiery ball of death before walking away from the incident with only minor injuries?”

“We were very fortunate,” added Hersman.

Public safety advocate, Steve Moriarty, argued that while the changes are “a good start”, additional issues need to be addressed. “While I’ve always championed a sub-200 MPH speed limit, there’s more than meets the eye here,” said Moriarty. “It is my strong belief that the cause of Sunday’s problems stem from the lack of proper exit-ramp signage.”

“How else can one reasonably explain why such a large group of people would drive around an over-sized traffic circle 500 times?” added Moriarty.

Other proposed rule changes still under discussion include the hiring of a crossing guard, the installation of a “slow children crossing” sign, and the banning of women drivers.

Lost amid the discussion was the boon experienced by local automotive body shops, which reportedly had all the business they could handle after none of the gentlemen involved in the crashes were able to start their engines.

Yankee superstar Alex Rodriguez photographed with a one-night-stand enhancer

He later is captured having an amorous exchange with a curvaceous brunette

Embattled Yankee superstar Alex Rodriguez is in the spotlight again after being photographed in a nightclub with 3 scantily clad young females along with a bottle of a well-known “one-night-stand enchancer”, commonly referred to in baseball circles as “Grey Goose”.

“When I arrived in New York in 2004, I felt an enormous amount of pressure,” confessed Rodriguez to ESPN’s Peter Gammons. “Derek Jeter had already slept with Mariah Carey, Jordana Brewster, Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Tyra Banks and Miss Universe. The only ‘conquest’ I was known for was Madonna, and she hasn’t had a hit record since Ray of Light went quadruple platinum all the way back in 2000. I just wanted to prove to everyone that I was one of the greatest Lotharios of all time. I am very sorry and deeply regretful.”

In his first prime-time news conference since the event, President Barack Obama called Rodriguez’s admission “depressing”.

“And if you’re a fan of Major League Baseball, I think it tarnishes an entire era, to some degree,” Obama said. “This isn’t some below-average looking player like, say, Ricky Bones or Josias Manzanillo that we’re talking about here. With his good looks and Latin charm, A-Rod has the potential to seduce on the first night even the most popular starlets and high maintenance divas that our great nation has to offer.”

“It’s unfortunate, but what he did was a slap in the face to the other poon-hounds in the league who tried to lure women back to their love dens the ‘right way’ - by impressing them with their enormous wealth and fame,” added Obama.

In his soon-to-be-released book, “Gin and Juiced”, former major leaguer Jose Canseco claims that up to 85% of the players took one-night-stand enhancers.

“Guys who had no business even ‘getting to first base’ with women were instead ‘hitting home runs’ at a remarkable pace,” said Canseco. “When Mark McGwire got laid 70 times back in 1998, I knew something was very wrong. But when a guy like Barry Bonds can bed more women with his garlic breath than [previous all-time leader] Hank Aaron, that’s just an unmistakable call to action.”

“If you ask me, not only should an asterisk be placed next to each and every one of A-Rod’s sexual conquests, but he should also be forced to return all 3 of his Most Valuable ‘Playa’ awards,” added Canseco .

Rodriguez’s agent, Scott Boras, dismissed Canseco’s call to diminish his client’s achievements. “Every generation has had its share of so-called ‘cheaters,’” said Boras. “Even studs like Willie Mays, Jimmie Foxx and Harmon Killebrew would occasionally resort to spending big bucks on fancy haberdashery or a stylish coif in order to impress the chicks.”