The iconic symbol of global warming: a zamboni stranded on a melting ice-floe in mid-winter

A report on global warming released by environmentalists yesterday indicated that, at current greenhouse gas emission levels, the NHL could face extinction by as early as 2026. The study, commissioned over 10 years ago by former Vice President Al Gore after noticing an abundance of bouncing pucks caused by bad ice during a game at Madison Square Garden, confirmed the league’s worst fears.

Mr. Gore, who has long been outspoken in his belief that global warming played a key factor in the decline of goal-scoring over the past 20 years, expressed remorse at the results of the report. “The warning signs were all over the place,” said Gore. “There were ‘extreme weather events’ throughout the country - be it hurricanes in Carolina, lightning in Tampa Bay or avalanches in Colorado. I tried many times over the years to convince (NHL commissioner) Gary Bettman to ratify the Kyoto protocol but he was always far too pre-occupied with 6th grade geometry books researching the trapezoid.”

In the meantime, as ice sheets across the league continue to melt, species are being forced out of their natural habitats to adapt to the changing conditions. In Pittsburgh, for example, Mario Lemieux has led the charge to migrate his flock of penguins away from their current habitat, Mellon Arena, commonly known as “The Igloo”. There are also unconfirmed reports of zambonis precariously clinging to the tops of broken ice chunks in Minnesota.