Ladell Betts, undershirt fight for yardage against the Dallas defense

ARLINGTON, Texas — Suffering yet another setback in an already disappointing season, the Washington Redskins lost backup running back Ladell Betts to a torn ACL, MCL and undershirt. The injury occurred during the 1st quarter of Sunday’s game against the Dallas Cowboys when a Bradie James hit caused Betts to land awkwardly, tearing two ligaments and a Hanes cotton knit undershirt.

Betts was rushed to nearby Parkland Memorial Hospital where doctors performed medical tests on the knee while tailors pre-treated the undershirt to remove pesky grass stains. The team received some encouraging news after an MRI indicated that there was no damage to other ligaments, no torn cartilage and no ring-around-the-collar.

Betts’ knee was not operated on, as doctors typically wait for the MCL to heal before reconstructing the ACL. The shirt, however, underwent emergency surgery, receiving over 150 stitches. After being sewn up, it reportedly was “resting comfortably” in the gentle cycle. It now faces a grueling 6 month rehab stint, during which it must spend most of its time on a hanger, covered in plastic.

While team doctors say the prognosis for a stain-free and more vibrant-looking shirt is excellent, Sports Illustrated’s Peter King thinks the garment may have played its last game underneath a Redskins’ uniform. “Even if it is somehow ready for mini-camp by next May,” said King, “An aging shirt coming off a major injury like this is simply the wrong fit for a rebuilding team like Washington.”

Head coach Jim Zorn named third-string running back Rock Cartwright the starter in Betts’ absence. In the meantime, VP of Football Operations, Vinny Cerrato, has reportedly been scouring the waiver wire and local K-Marts for both backup running backs as well as deeply-discounted 3-packs of white undershirts.

“It just goes to show you how brutal this sport really is” said a visibly shaken Zorn, in his post-game press conference. “I haven’t seen an injury this gruesome since the career of Joe Theismann’s sock came to an abrupt end after a Lawrence Taylor sack sent piercing shards of [Theismann's] tibia straight through the over-matched fabric.”

Collectively, the player/shirt tandem finished the disappointing campaign with 210 yards rushing and 2 touchdowns.

A street full of people oblivious to the league's existence

After a recent scientific study revealed the NHL to be the #1 killer of television ratings, U.S. Surgeon General, Regina Benjamin has called on the league to begin a national campaign to raise awareness about its existence.

“For far too long, executives in the television industry have been suffering at the hands of this ratings ’silent killer,’” said Dr. Benjamin. “As with other scourges - such as hypertension and high cholesterol - the first step towards solving the problem is to educate the public. I therefore implore [NHL commissioner] Gary Bettman to do something about the situation before the United States congress is called on to do it for him.”

The commissioner faces a steep challenge after a poll indicated that the average American can name only 2 hockey players - Hall of Famer Wayne Gretzky, and matinee idol “Jason” from the Friday the 13th movies.

When asked to comment, Mr. Bettman said, “I want to set the record straight about something. Camp Crystal Lake is not and has never been the home of an NHL team.” After thinking about it for a moment, however, he added, “Though if the proper financing were to become available, we’re certainly not opposed to the idea of moving a team such as the Phoenix Coyotes, Columbus Blue Jackets, or Nashville Predators there.”

“Or the New York Islanders,” he added.

Piggybacking off the success of the “Breast Cancer Awareness” campaign in which players from Major League Baseball and the National Football League wore pink arm-bands to raise awareness about the disease, the commissioner said he plans to cast a much wider net with his so-called “Roy G. Biv” marketing strategy.

“Just like the mnemonic indicates,” he said, “anytime a baseball player, football player, basketball player or really any human being - player-of-sports or not - wears an article of clothing that falls within the red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo or violet spectrum, you should treat it as a reminder to call your local cable or satellite provider and ask what channel the Versus network is on in your area.”

“When you do find out, by the way, can you please let me know?” he added. “As commissioner, I feel obligated to watch at least some of the 1st period of tonight’s Nashville/Anaheim game”.

League superstar Sidney Crosby - who purportedly has earned fame and fortune from the sport - praised the commissioner for taking action. “I’m glad someone is finally doing something about it,” he said. “I have to be honest. When we’re not playing in a Canadian arena, it can get pretty lonely out there.”

Worshiped throughout the globe, Cowboy supporter Jessica Simpson uses her influence to recruit players

Immediately following a season-ending 44-6 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles, Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones flew to India and tirelessly posted propaganda posters with caption, “I Want YOU For Dallas Cowboys!” written beneath the iconic image of a top-hat wearing, finger-pointing Uncle Sameer. Fed up with the disappointing big-game performances of QB Tony Romo, nagging injuries of RB Marion Barber, and personality issues of WR Terrell Owens, Jones acted quickly in signing their replacements, inking India’s top 3 NFL prospects to multi-year contracts of indentured-servitude.

Sports Illustrated senior writer Peter King praised the signing of “the triplets” but cautioned that salary inequities may cause issues down the road. “Considering that (4th string wide receiver) Patrick Crayton’s contract has an annual average value of $3.5 million, it seems inevitable that (expected starter) Raj Kumar will, in time, greedily demand a company-discounted gym membership along with a free pass for both he and a guest to the local museum of his choosing.”

King also expressed doubt about some of the team’s other cost-saving decisions. “I seriously question the wisdom of moving the coaches’ booth off-shore next season. When the leader of your team puts on his headset with the intention of discussing the opposing team’s player formation with his staff, it seems detrimental to force him to deal with a rotating crew of thickly-accented level-1 helpdesk personnel clearly cycling through a batch of scripted questions - such as whether or not he’s tried rebooting his computer – before agreeing to patch him through to [new defensive coordinator] Manish Bailappanava. And can someone please point out to me the benefit of having a 24×7x365 help-desk when the NFL season lasts for roughly 3 hours a week, 16-20 weeks a year?!”

The NFL Players Association issued a strongly-worded condemnation against Commissioner Roger Goodell’s decision to allow foreign resources to potentially undercut their livelihood but agreed that, if upheld, they will have no issue accepting Hinduism, Buddhism, Jainism and Sikhism into post-game prayer circles. Red-blooded American males across the country, however, have overwhelmingly expressed their disapproval with the team’s decision to modify the classic Cowboy cheerleader uniform to include a sexy-leg-hiding opaque sarong.

At the conclusion of his 2 week mission to India, Jones finalized contracts with over 700 other cap-friendly free-agents, potentially leaving head coach Wade Phillips with the logistical nightmare of having over 3 dozen players named “Patel” vying for the long-snapper position in training camp.

The glut of coaching resumes represents a major shift in thinking for the area. Since 2003, the Bureau of Labor Statistics listed “wide receiver” as Detroit’s fastest-growing and most lucrative profession outside of the automotive industry. The frenzy reached its peak in 2007 when a former Georgia Tech college student named Calvin Johnson received an entry-level salary of $64 million dollars despite having dropped out of school after his junior year.

Job prospects in the industry have dimmed considerably since, however, after the firing of (former Lions’ GM) Matt Millen and subsequent statement from (former Federal Reserve Board chairman) Alan Greenspan, warning against “irrational exuberance” in the sector. Things hit rock-bottom a short time thereafter when polemic filmmaker Michael Moore released his 2008 documentary, “William Clay Ford Sr. and Me”, detailing the insensitivity of the Lions’ owner with regard to the effects the wide receiver hiring-slowdown had on the local community.

In response to the evolving job market, area college students have been refocusing their educational efforts. Cursive writing classes, for example, have been exploding in popularity as the demand has risen for NFL coaches to be able to script their first 10-15 plays. Freshman-level English classes have also been filling up quickly as the overly-simplistic catch-phrases used by Kansas City Chiefs’ coach, Herman Edwards, have landed him two high-paying head coaching gigs. Even electives, such as courses in time-management, have seen a spike in enrollment as students have recognized the value in learning how to judiciously balance their free time between playing Madden football and watching the NFL Network.

A job applicant taking a Gatorade shower

Underscoring the competitive nature of the situation, many students have reportedly taken unusual measures to help strengthen their candidacy for the job. Some have padded their resumes with fantasy football accomplishments. Others have begun eating copious amounts of food to mimic the body type of highly-successful Philadelphia Eagles’ head coach, Andy Reid. Still others have begun showering in Gatorade in order to “smell of victory” should they be called in for an interview. One applicant even went as far as to offer a full money-back guarantee should the team’s win-output fall below that of the 2008 squad.

Career advisers recommend that interviewees dress in a suit and tie during the interview process but wear only work-appropriate clothing, such as a wind-breaker bearing the team’s insignia, while coaching. Many experts feel that Mike Nolan (the suit-wearing former head coach of the San Francisco 49ers) was dismissed on the suspicion that he was interviewing for other jobs during his lunch hour. The haberdashery worn by long-time New England Patriots’ head coach Bill Belichick has never aroused such suspicions and many experts view that as a crucial factor in his coaching longevity.

Michael Vick surprises the defense with a pooch kick

Despite being in the midst of serving a 23 month sentence in a Penitentiary in Leavenworth, Kan., Michael Vick has once again managed to cause an uproar in the animal rights community. On a seemingly innocuous 3rd down-and-short situation, Vick caught the watchful eye of prison guards when he audibled his offense into a shotgun formation. The guards, well-aware of the execution-style attacks Mr. Vick had previously conducted with shotguns against dogs, rushed to the scene but were unable to stop the violence as Vick managed to get off a brutal and inhumane “pooch kick”. The severely wounded pooch was rushed to an area hospital for treatment and, as of press-time, was listed in critical-but-stable condition.

The head of PETA, Ingrid Newkirk, both denounced Mr. Vick and criticized the prison rehabilitation program. “This incident shows that the rehabilitation he’s receiving in prison is simply not working” said Newkirk. “In addition to the pooch incident, we also have reports that, earlier in the same game, Michael was caught spiking a pig-skin after scoring a touchdown. And, as if that wasn’t bad enough, we’ve also recently unearthed countless hours of video footage showing him inflicting punishment on a wide variety of animals including seahawks, eagles, bears, jaguars, broncos and even dolphins!”

In response to the criticism and to help stem future attacks against animals, prison officials held an emergency overnight meeting and are expected today to announce the passage of a new rule prohibiting the “run-and-shoot”.