NFL
Ladell Betts Suffers Torn ACL, MCL, Undershirt
Betts was rushed to nearby Parkland Memorial Hospital where doctors performed medical tests on the knee while tailors pre-treated the undershirt to remove pesky grass stains.
NHL Introduces “NHL Awareness” Campaign
The commissioner faces a steep challenge after a poll indicated that the average American can name only 2 hockey players - Hall of Famer Wayne Gretzky, and matinee idol “Jason” from the Friday the 13th movies.
“America’s Team” Outsourced To India
With a payroll of well over seven billion rupees, the undermanned Cowboys have little maneuverability under next year’s salary cap, necessitating the decision to look offshore for suitable, cost-effective replacements.
Detroit Undergrads Apply For Vacant Lions’ Head Coaching Position
The glut of coaching resumes represents a major shift in thinking for the area. Since 2003, the Bureau of Labor Statistics listed “wide receiver” as Detroit’s fastest-growing and most lucrative profession outside of the automotive industry.
PETA Outraged After Michael Vick Attempts “Pooch Kick” In Prison Football Game
The severely wounded pooch was rushed to an area hospital for treatment and, as of press-time, was listed in critical-but-stable condition.
