BCS National lack-of-college-degree championship trophy

Football fans from across the country are flocking to Miami, Fl to witness the much-anticipated match-up between the Florida Gators and Oklahoma Sooners in the FedEx BCS National Lack-of-College-Degree Championship game. The undergraduates from Florida are slight favorites over the undergraduates from Oklahoma in what is being touted as one of the most eagerly-awaited undergraduate football contests in years.

“There’s just something special about watching 2 squads consisting of players who lack college degrees,” opined ESPN College GameDay analyst Chris Fowler. “This game wouldn’t have the same ‘juice’ were it played by a group of high school students studying for their General Equivalency Diplomas, or a collection of graduate students producing original research on the topic of theoretical astronomy. It’s that delicate balance of raw athleticism combined with the thinly-veiled guise of the pursuit of higher education that appeals to the truly discerning football connoisseur. The speed, the physicality, the cutting of class in order to attend a party where one can rapidly imbibe 6 or more fermented beverages via a plastic tubing apparatus; there’s simply nothing like watching 2 teams comprised largely of general studies majors have at it!”

At a pep-rally held in Gainesville, Florida athletic director Jeremy Foley expressed his gratitude to students and alumni as well as to our nation’s gamblers who, in an impressive display of school-spirit, flooded Las Vegas sports’ books with an uneven distribution of wagers skewed slightly in his university’s favor. He announced that it was the school’s intention to reward their faith with the hard work of what many experts feel is the best collection of ostensible student-athletes in the country.

After the contest is decided, political analysts predict our nation will continue to divert its attention away from the global economic meltdown by spending the next 3 months watching a different set of undergraduate students attempt to throw a ball through a hoop.

The special teams unit of the University of Phoenix football team

One of the most disappointing regular seasons in Michigan history was punctuated by a stunning post-season loss as online college, The University of Phoenix, defeated the Wolverines 42-39.

Head coach Rich Rodriguez’s innovative spread option offense was countered by “Phoenix” spreading their own offense across the entire country. “We had no idea where they were coming from” said an exasperated Rodriguez. There were prospective accountants, gerontologists, and early childhood education majors coming from every which way.”

Offensively things were no better for the maize and blue. Running back Brandon Minor, who was held to 18 yards on 16 carries said, “They did a great job of clogging up the running lanes with their malevolent ‘denial of service’ attacks. When we couldn’t out-muscle them, we were convinced that we’d at least be able to out-run them. Unfortunately for us, though, we were no match for their speedy fiber optic internet connections”.

In response to the loss, University of Michigan athletic director William C. Martin called for sweeping changes including an upgrade of the university’s server architecture as well as the addition of more games against Notre Dame to the schedule.