The "Employee of the Month" certificate is raised to the rafters

After a 31 day span marked by perfect attendance, an upward spike in efficiency, and a spotless record of internet-usage-for-business-purposes-only, Boston Celtics’ power-forward Kevin Garnett was voted the NBA’s Employee of the Month. A 2×2 certificate commemorating the achievement was raised to the rafters of TD Banknorth Garden in a ceremony that immediately followed last Monday afternoon’s “quarterly earnings update” conference call.

Garnett promptly sent a thank-you email addressed to distribution list, “company_employees_all” with the following text:

I am greatly honored to accept this award on behalf of all my equally deserving co-workers. From part-time employees Brian Scalabrine and Eddie House all the way through senior associates Ray Allen and Paul Pierce, the level of throughput achieved by our business unit over this past month would not have been possible without your contributions

I’d also like to give special mention to our supervisor, Doc Rivers, who has done an outstanding job balancing corporate needs with worker satisfaction. From his no-nonsense 20 second meetings to the informal dress policy that he instituted, allowing us to come to work dressed in shorts while he wears $5,000 Armani suits, morale has never been higher. I feel comfortable speaking on behalf of the entire group when I say that it’s exactly that sort of out-of-the-box thinking that makes us want to jump through hoops for the guy!

Finding its place amongst greatness

Rivers was equally effusive in his praise for the power forward. “No one at the company works harder. He’s always the first one to volunteer for a business trip, even when asked to fly cross-country. He’ll work overtime on a moment’s notice and, if necessary, double or triple overtime. He can be found at the office on nights and weekends on a regular basis, sometimes past midnight. He even worked on Christmas day!”

“Our accountants are thrilled with the ROI and customer satisfaction surveys indicate that our clients have similarly positive opinions. But as productive a worker as he is, what really sets him apart is that he’s an even better person. Very few people realize how much time he puts in at the charity-stripe helping out society’s less-fortunate. And, as if that weren’t enough, he also has an incredible sense of social responsibility. He believes that all companies should be eco-friendly and has personally spearheaded the initiative to help the Celtics go ‘green’ by the year 2012.”

Enraged Spurs’ sharpshooter Manu Ginobili

An amber alert was issued yesterday evening during a Spurs-Suns game for a play that didn’t show up in the stat sheet. The play, a diving effort by Spurs’ guard Tony Parker to successfully recover a loose ball, disappeared at approximately 9:28PM from AT&T arena. Aided by video replay, police were quickly able to identify the suspect subduing the statistic, dropping it into a plastic bag and then making a mad dash for the exits. A wildly chaotic scene then ensued where the suspect eluded gunfire from both arena police as well as Spurs’ sharpshooter Manu Ginobli.

A police sketch, hastily drawn on a coaches’ whiteboard, detailing both the suspect’s face as well as the perimeter wing defense designed to stop Steve Nash was distributed to local media outlets. Tearful Spurs’ head coach, Gregg Popovich, made a public plea calling for the safe return of the uncounted statistic and has appealed the officials scorer’s decision to award the suspect with a steal on the play.