Yankee superstar Alex Rodriguez photographed with a one-night-stand enhancer

He later is captured having an amorous exchange with a curvaceous brunette

Embattled Yankee superstar Alex Rodriguez is in the spotlight again after being photographed in a nightclub with 3 scantily clad young females along with a bottle of a well-known “one-night-stand enchancer”, commonly referred to in baseball circles as “Grey Goose”.

“When I arrived in New York in 2004, I felt an enormous amount of pressure,” confessed Rodriguez to ESPN’s Peter Gammons. “Derek Jeter had already slept with Mariah Carey, Jordana Brewster, Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Tyra Banks and Miss Universe. The only ‘conquest’ I was known for was Madonna, and she hasn’t had a hit record since Ray of Light went quadruple platinum all the way back in 2000. I just wanted to prove to everyone that I was one of the greatest Lotharios of all time. I am very sorry and deeply regretful.”

In his first prime-time news conference since the event, President Barack Obama called Rodriguez’s admission “depressing”.

“And if you’re a fan of Major League Baseball, I think it tarnishes an entire era, to some degree,” Obama said. “This isn’t some below-average looking player like, say, Ricky Bones or Josias Manzanillo that we’re talking about here. With his good looks and Latin charm, A-Rod has the potential to seduce on the first night even the most popular starlets and high maintenance divas that our great nation has to offer.”

“It’s unfortunate, but what he did was a slap in the face to the other poon-hounds in the league who tried to lure women back to their love dens the ‘right way’ - by impressing them with their enormous wealth and fame,” added Obama.

In his soon-to-be-released book, “Gin and Juiced”, former major leaguer Jose Canseco claims that up to 85% of the players took one-night-stand enhancers.

“Guys who had no business even ‘getting to first base’ with women were instead ‘hitting home runs’ at a remarkable pace,” said Canseco. “When Mark McGwire got laid 70 times back in 1998, I knew something was very wrong. But when a guy like Barry Bonds can bed more women with his garlic breath than [previous all-time leader] Hank Aaron, that’s just an unmistakable call to action.”

“If you ask me, not only should an asterisk be placed next to each and every one of A-Rod’s sexual conquests, but he should also be forced to return all 3 of his Most Valuable ‘Playa’ awards,” added Canseco .

Rodriguez’s agent, Scott Boras, dismissed Canseco’s call to diminish his client’s achievements. “Every generation has had its share of so-called ‘cheaters,’” said Boras. “Even studs like Willie Mays, Jimmie Foxx and Harmon Killebrew would occasionally resort to spending big bucks on fancy haberdashery or a stylish coif in order to impress the chicks.”

Controversial Met GM Omar Minaya addresses the media about the allegations

NY Mets’ GM Omar Minaya was indicted by a federal grand jury yesterday on charges of human trafficking. He is accused of trading the labor of Aaron Heilman, Endy Chavez and Jason Vargas in return for the labor of J.J. Putz, Jeremy Reed, and Sean Green. A conviction would carry a mandatory minimum sentence of 10 years in jail. More troubling details have emerged, however, indicating that the trade may also have included 3 minor leaguers. If these allegations are proven to be true then, under New York State’s child labor laws, Mr. Minaya could face 20-to-life.

This sort of controversy is not new for the Mets’ organization. Minaya faced a similar charge last year - allegedly trading 4 minor leaguers to Minnesota for Johan Santana - but all charges were dropped after a jury agreed that the 4 players were so laughably unskilled that the tasks they were performing couldn’t be characterized by a reasonable person as “work”.

The United Nations issued a strongly worded condemnation and called on the league’s owners and players to agree to end the practice as well as eliminate the designated-hitter rule. Commissioner Bud Selig is said to be working furiously with UNICEF to either get the players granted their outright release or at least have their options declined.

Hollywood Director Edward Zwick is currently working on a sequel to his 2006 hit, “Blood Diamond” to be called “Blood Diamond II: The Show”. The movie will detail the shocking hardships these men are forced to endure, including working in the fields, flying across the country to work in the fields of other owners, and, in the case of the Pittsburgh Pirates and Houston Astros, being forced to wear hideously ugly uniforms to work on “throwback days”.

Scott Kazmir waits on an unemployment line

Burdened by the rising price of orange juice along with the unexpected fuel expense caused by a 7 game ALCS, Tampa Rays’ majority owner Stuart Sternberg announced today that the franchise will be slashing their workforce by up to 20% in the coming week.

“Our accountants reviewed the books and mandated that we significantly lower expenses by the end of the fiscal 3rd quarter,” explained Sternberg. “We tried cutting costs last year by shortening our nickname but money only goes so far.” Adding to the woes, accountants uncovered numerous financial abuses including 3 separate occasions where players wastefully poured champagne on each other as well as the time manager Joe Maddon took money out of the petty cash jar and paid ballpark prices for an order of chicken fingers and a 12oz beer.

Second-baseman and H1-B Visa holder, Akinori Iwamura was visibly shaken by the news. “If I can’t work here, I’ll be kicked out of the country. How will I support my family? I guess, as a last resort, I can always try to get my old job at the origami factory back. Anything would be better than playing for Bobby Valentine again.”

Sternberg went on to assure Rays’ fans that Scott Kazmir will make the game 1 start but that his severance package must be signed, sealed and delivered by the 5th inning, or 80 pitches.