NHL Introduces “NHL Awareness” Campaign

A street full of people oblivious to the league's existence

After a recent scientific study revealed the NHL to be the #1 killer of television ratings, U.S. Surgeon General, Regina Benjamin has called on the league to begin a national campaign to raise awareness about its existence.

“For far too long, executives in the television industry have been suffering at the hands of this ratings ’silent killer,’” said Dr. Benjamin. “As with other scourges - such as hypertension and high cholesterol - the first step towards solving the problem is to educate the public. I therefore implore [NHL commissioner] Gary Bettman to do something about the situation before the United States congress is called on to do it for him.”

The commissioner faces a steep challenge after a poll indicated that the average American can name only 2 hockey players - Hall of Famer Wayne Gretzky, and matinee idol “Jason” from the Friday the 13th movies.

When asked to comment, Mr. Bettman said, “I want to set the record straight about something. Camp Crystal Lake is not and has never been the home of an NHL team.” After thinking about it for a moment, however, he added, “Though if the proper financing were to become available, we’re certainly not opposed to the idea of moving a team such as the Phoenix Coyotes, Columbus Blue Jackets, or Nashville Predators there.”

“Or the New York Islanders,” he added.

Piggybacking off the success of the “Breast Cancer Awareness” campaign in which players from Major League Baseball and the National Football League wore pink arm-bands to raise awareness about the disease, the commissioner said he plans to cast a much wider net with his so-called “Roy G. Biv” marketing strategy.

“Just like the mnemonic indicates,” he said, “anytime a baseball player, football player, basketball player or really any human being - player-of-sports or not - wears an article of clothing that falls within the red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo or violet spectrum, you should treat it as a reminder to call your local cable or satellite provider and ask what channel the Versus network is on in your area.”

“When you do find out, by the way, can you please let me know?” he added. “As commissioner, I feel obligated to watch at least some of the 1st period of tonight’s Nashville/Anaheim game”.

League superstar Sidney Crosby - who purportedly has earned fame and fortune from the sport - praised the commissioner for taking action. “I’m glad someone is finally doing something about it,” he said. “I have to be honest. When we’re not playing in a Canadian arena, it can get pretty lonely out there.”

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