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Indianapolis Speedway To Install Red Lights, Stop Signs

The future location of a 'Slower Traffic Keep Right' sign

The Indianapolis State Highway Administration voted unanimously yesterday to ratify legislation approving the installation of red lights, stop signs and other safety measures along the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. The decision came less than a week after a group of over 400,000 horrified onlookers witnessed 8 high-speed, death-defying collisions along the 2.5 mile stretch of road in a span of roughly 3 hours.

The unusually swift response was, in part, attributed to the public outrage generated from the millions of viewers tuned in to ABC and ESPN who had, for reasons unclear, strategically situated over 100 high-definition cameras all throughout the treacherous thoroughfare.

“While I’m pleased with the outcome, some troubling details came to light during the investigation,” said National Transportation Safety Board Chairman Deborah Hersman. “We’ve learned that 1-day spikes in accident totals were a yearly happenstance. Unfortunately, well-intentioned police officers were reportedly so distracted by the multitude of advertisements imprinted on these drivers’ clothes that many not only forgot to fill out an accident report, but also left work early to go on an hours-long binge of ‘retail therapy’”.

“We have every reason to believe that, were it not for the economic recession’s effect on consumer spending habits, we’d be facing the same exact situation next year,” continued Hersman. “I mean, who the heck knows how many times officers have forgotten to report that someone like [motorist] Helio Castroneves lost control of his vehicle, causing it to crash violently into a brick wall, flip over 28 times and then disintegrate into a fiery ball of death before walking away from the incident with only minor injuries?”

“We were very fortunate,” added Hersman.

Public safety advocate, Steve Moriarty, argued that while the changes are “a good start”, additional issues need to be addressed. “While I’ve always championed a sub-200 MPH speed limit, there’s more than meets the eye here,” said Moriarty. “It is my strong belief that the cause of Sunday’s problems stem from the lack of proper exit-ramp signage.”

“How else can one reasonably explain why such a large group of people would drive around an over-sized traffic circle 500 times?” added Moriarty.

Other proposed rule changes still under discussion include the hiring of a crossing guard, the installation of a “slow children crossing” sign, and the banning of women drivers.

Lost amid the discussion was the boon experienced by local automotive body shops, which reportedly had all the business they could handle after none of the gentlemen involved in the crashes were able to start their engines.

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