Tennis

Hideous Monster Defeats Aspiring Russian “It Girl” In Straight Sets

That Russian tennis beauty you recently saw on the cover of Maxim magazine - the one rumored to be fornicating with either an athlete, model, musician, actor, or independently wealthy businessman - was defeated in straight sets by a grotesque, though ostensibly female, monster whose physical characteristics deeply and profoundly offended the aesthetic sensibilities of those in attendance, including her proud though nearly-retching husband.

In a bizarre though completely understandable case of mistaken identity, the match was delayed a full 2 hours and 45 minutes between the 2nd and 3rd games of the 1st set when the eventual winner collapsed suddenly after being struck by a tranquilizer dart delivered from a poacher who innocently mistook her for a walrus. The suspect, who it turns out has a long history of selling animal tusks for profit, was released seconds later after the security crew unanimously agreed that she did indeed look like a flippered marine mammal - at least in a side-by-side comparison with her much-less-talented opponent.

The only surviving photo of the match, taken by a camera built with the most durable lens in existence

The only surviving photo of the match, taken by a camera built with the most durable lens in existence

When play resumed, the still-woozy walrus-look-alike heroically shook off the effects of the sedative, holding service with 4 straight 62 MPH aces. She then went on to break each-and-every one of her opponent’s beautiful, elegant, classy and charming serves while not losing any of her own. In an unusual twist, silence rather than applause filled the tennis center following match point of the 6-0, 6-0 victory, as the all-male crowd was apparently too awestruck by the remarkable feat to cheer.

As the players exited the court, the comely Russian beauty, still glistening with sweat droplets, unknowingly posed for a multi-page upskirt photo-shoot, providing over 50 paparazzi and their families with enough income to sustain an upper middle class lifestyle for an estimated 6-8 months. Following an erection-killing interview, the winning player presumably headed off to the men’s locker room to shower, shave, and urinate standing up.

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